Saturday, August 16, 2008

Self-Loathing and...

Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though I have nothing positive to offer the world. Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though all the positive things I've tried to offer go unnoticed or unappreciated. I know I'm not alone in these feelings, but during those moments I just can't help but feel that I'm the only one.

It could be anything that sets me off-- sitting alone in a room, being in a room full of friends, creating a funny/poignant/heartfelt story, enjoying some ice cream, getting a "funny" look from a stranger...

I wish I didn't have to deal with these feelings, as they really create a sense of self-loathing in myself and in my abilities. They make me question my existence (not in a metaphysical or existential way) in terms of a sense of pleasing myself and others. I try not to live my life to please others, and I generally go about things without caring much

But when it comes to my wife, I only want to do what is right and meaningful and fulfilling for both of us. Unfortunately, sometimes I think about pleasing myself only, and it leads to problems. No, this isn't about sex, it's about interacting in a positive way with someone I love and care about beyond my capability of measuring or stating for others to understand.

I just want to be the best "me" I can be for myself and for my wife, and sometimes I fall short of that goal. Maybe my aspirations are too lofty, but if I was always satisfied with the status-quo, I would never strive to be better, and that's something I couldn't do: settle for less than my best.

1 comment:

  1. this probably won't make you feel any better...but i love you. you are a wonderful person. and you made my birthday very nice. thank you. (and you make every day nice in general.) :-*

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